i bet i was being a horrible person during np today .
god .
i really shouldnt let my feelings affect others .
really kind of disappointed .
with myself .
yeah , gosh .
i am so screwed up .
and i kept telling myself , I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU .
but everytime i said that ,
i just couldnt help it !
i only felt like i was doing myself wrong because that's a huge lie .
i dont hate you .
in fact , i really really treasure you as a friend .
and it means so much to me .
because you're actually the only one who'll listen and understand .
no one else will . you arent even patronizing !
other people listen , nod at the appropriate moments , act sympathetic and patronize me .
god . i'm sick of that .
and i really really love what you do to me .
you just listen and inject humour into some points , and then you cheer me up somehow .
i do treasure you loads .
please , dont sever our friendship because of this .
i really wanted to scream out just now . cry even .
dont people know nowadays the emotional and physical stress that we undergo ?
my head was splitting . and i just .. had to control myself .
i cant embarrass myself in front of everyone again .
i cant cry in school again . i cant ever cry again .
god . i cant even believe i'm crying now .
and i just told myself to be strong .
i'm such a weak person .
i hate myself for that .
and now i understand what Cal was searching for .
solace . and that's why fire gave .
maybe i shouldnt even have delved into it .
emotionally immature adolescents should never harbour too impressive or unrealistic dreams .
because they end up being hurt .
at least i'll be happier when i go to queensway tmr with pearl .
at least i'll get random around her .
at least i'll remember the great funny crap that we came up with together .
boots can talk cause they've got tongues.i'm really sorry if i let you down .
didnt know what to say .
and i know you're keeping something again .
okay that's it , mel , stop dwelling on the topic .great . now i'll start developing alter egos .
& all i really want is your forgiveness .
;melissa